Scared…

As a white woman in America feeling scared is not a new feeling. I see threats everywhere. I know that if something happens, I will be questioned. Why was I there? Why was I wearing that? Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I try harder? How could I have prevented this?

This morning the constant fear that I simmers just below the surface of my being has changed. I am no longer concerned with I. I am scared for my country. I am scared for my fellow citizens. I am scared for what the future holds – for me and the world.

I am desperately trying to hold onto my faith. My faith that cooler heads will prevail. My faith that the democratic experiment that the United Stated began 240 years ago will not be dramatically altered. My faith in the checks and balances that were written into the Constitution will protect my country, my fellow citizens, me.

I am scared that my life will be altered in ways that I can’t begin to imagine.

I have never felt unsure of my future. I have always known in my core that if I work really hard I will be able to have the things that I want. That I will be judged on my merits. That I get to decide who I am and what my future holds.

I no longer have these convictions.

In the coming days, months, years the actions of many will be judged and placed into history. I keep telling myself that we can come together. That at our core we are Americans. We have survived division before and it can be overcome again. I keep telling myself these things because I need them to be true. I don’t know if that need will be met and I am not sure if they are true; if they ever were.

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